When I am afraid…

God I look to you / I won’t be overwhelmed
Give me vision to see things like you do
God I look to you / You’re where my help comes from
Give me wisdom / You know just what to do
“God I Look to You,” Jenn Johnson [Bethel Worship]

Last night I bragged on Facebook about how I bravely gave myself a shot of Lovenox in the stomach all by myself. I was proud of myself. Lovenox is an injectable blood thinner to treat 2 clotting disorders during my pregnancy and, essentially, keep my baby alive. Usually this prescription is started as soon as one learns she is pregnant, but my conditions were not discovered until just this week, so I am starting at 16 weeks.

I can’t tell you that doesn’t make me nervous.

After losing 2 pregnancies in the first trimester, I take comfort in the fact that baby has made it this far without such intervention. However, I’m a human and a thinker. What are the risks of starting so late? Is it too late? Is it possible the baby has already died and I just don’t know it yet? Yes, I’m thinking that. Why wasn’t I tested for these clotting disorders earlier in pregnancy? How would I tell my children that their baby in mommy’s tummy died??

I have been thinking these things since Wednesday afternoon when the nurse told me she was calling in my prescription to start ASAP. My husband and I talked about them at length last night. For the most part I have kept my emotions under control. Yesterday my wonderful husband reminded me, “It’s not any medicine giving this baby life; it is only by the Lord.”

I know this is true. But I woke up in the middle of the night/early morning, compelled to pray for our child. I lay still in bed and asked God to cause the baby to move so I could feel something and know everything is okay. It didn’t happen.

But that’s not how I know everything is okay.

Many times during trials, we do wish God would give us clear answers and physical reassurances that the end result is good. But the truth is, we can’t rely on the things of this world, even our own senses and things we “know” to be true. We don’t see the inner workings of our bodies or the miracles God is performing in the “secret places.”  We can know the end result is good because we know that God is good. That fact – regardless of my situation or circumstances or trials or pain or loss – is the one and only unchanging truth. He is good, He is for me, His plan for me is for my good and His glory. This I know.

So today I am not comforted by flutters in my tummy or scientific certainty from a doctor or ultrasound. The truth is, I don’t know the end result. I just don’t. But I know it is good, because the God who holds my life and my baby’s life is good, and nothing will change that.

Today all I have is this, one of the verses all 3 of my kids have memorized:

photo from thelordismylightandmysalvation on tumblr

photo from thelordismylightandmysalvation on tumblr

I will love you, Lord my strength
I will love you, Lord my shield
I will love you, Lord my rock
Forever all my days I will love you

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